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Diagnosis

Updated: Dec 24, 2021

I became aware of my diagnosis of bipolar on December 15th, after another mental breakdown over the 6 days prior. I was apparently diagnosed with it in September, but because my psychiatrist didn't yet know if it was Bipolar 1 or 2 so she didn't tell me. I broke down in her office, freaking out, snot bubble crying, hyperventilating and all and told her that I *HAD TO HAVE* Bipolar or something because I'm going freaking nuts. That's when she broke the (old) news to me.

Well.

Damn.

I feel relieved I suppose because there is a reason for my insanity, but more anxiety from the diagnosis overall. It isnt easy. It made me reframe my whole thought process of myself and EVERY SINGLE previous action that I took that got me to where I am today. I questioned everything and analyzed my memory of the way I perceived things to go. That process alone is time consuming and mind numbing and retraumatizing. All the things.

Bipolar means that I have had untreated Bipolar for 20 years now. I hardly feel old enough to say that, but it is when I remember first symptoms of it. My first run in with mental health treatment, aka counseling. I could have been diagnosed a long time ago and could have saved myself so much freaking heartache of constantly having mood peaks and dives. If I would have been diagnosed when I should have, I could have had treatment. Treatment could have benefited me and every relationship I've had. Every relationship of mine sufferers because of my Bipolar. My mom and I, sister, brother, kids, etc.. my marriage.

It could've saved me several suicide attempts and skin from cutting myself. An earlier diagnosis could have benefited me in so many ways. I had a psychiatrist in the past tell me they don't want to diagnose me with Bipolar because they don't want it to be in my medical record anywhere. I am sure they thought that was best at the time for me, especially at the time there was (and still is) such a stigma against mental health issues and disorders. It really caused me so much more heartache though. 💔.


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